Equipment you may find helpful A decent but inexpensive pair of wellington boots – due to the vast amount of water and more likely, urine lapping about on the floor, quality waterproof footwear is essential. The last thing you want is to ruin a perfectly good pair of shoes and for the love of god, don’t wear sandals; it’s just not worth it. On older trains it might be necessary to take a snorkel and armbands. A gas mask – these can be purchased from most army surplus shops for a reasonable price, though availability will depend on the amount of scare mongering going on in the media and the government with regard to terrorist threats.

Obviously it won’t be possible to wear the gas mask and scuba gear at the same time. Judge each situation by its merits and pray you made the right choice. A first aid kit. Witch hazel to treat the bruises you WILL sustain. Deodorant body spray to mask any smells that may be absorbed into your clothing. Finally, a copy of Lorraine Kelly’s ‘Figure it Out’ fitness video.

Before you travel It is essential to develop your lung capacity before you make any attempt to use a train toilet. The best way to do this is by blowing up balloons, inflatable pool toys and eventually rubber dinghies. Then practice holding your breath for as long as possible before passing out.

Alternatively visit your local army surplus store and buy a good quality gas mask, see section on equipment above. Paying a visit to your local sewage farm will give you a toned down version of the stench you are likely to encounter. This will lessen any emotional distress, though some will be inevitable. Rent or buy ‘Lorraine Kelly’s ‘Figure it Out’ fitness video. This is HARDCORE and will probably render you temporarily paralysed after completing it for the first time (sometimes lasting up to a week). Persevere though because the rewards are plentiful. You will build muscle and endurance.

Toned and strong bodies are essential for ‘Train Toilet Survival’. I should warn you though, that this video, along with EVERY OTHER fitness video on the market will cause moderate to severe discomfort. This comes in the form of annoying fitness instructors offering helpful encouraging statements like “That’s it” and “You’re doing great” and of course the classic “Just one more time now”. If you can not afford to buy a fitness video, enrol in the army for 2 weeks.

On the day Dress as lightly as possible. This is important for two reasons. 1. You want your movement to be as unrestricted as possible because of the lack of space. 2. The less you wear, the fewer clothes will be damaged by the splash-back of other people’s urine.

The terrible deed

Okay, so you need to pee. You have tried for the past 20 minutes to ignore the fact but now it’s getting to the stage where if you don’t do something, you’re going to ‘do something’. The first thing you have to do is get to the toilet. If you are travelling alone and have any sense you will have picked an aisle seat. If not, you run the risk of getting stuck next to any number of unfortunate individuals who will obstruct you. These include –

1. The sleeper/dribbler 2. The talker (won’t shut up) 3. The person with headphones that are acting as a full on sound system.

Getting past any of these isn’t easy because first you need to get their attention and then you need to hold it long enough to get them to move. I have NO idea how to accomplish this as I learnt one day (an incident that very nearly involved me wetting my kickers) and so now I always take an aisle seat.

Put on the gas mask or inhale and hold your breath.

Enter

Resist the urge to vomit. There will be wee on the floor and poo on the walls. Ignore it, you need to be in and out as quickly as possible as you will soon run out of oxygen (regardless of if you are holding your breath or not). My favourite manoeuvre is what is known as (because that’s what I’ve called it) ‘The Power Squat’.

This is where your fitness video/army training will come in handy. Basically you want to ensure that at no point does any of your body come into contact with anything in that room (or lack of room if you prefer). The squat is favoured by women the world over but when you’re on a moving vehicle it becomes slightly more tricky. Hopefully you will have built up enough muscle to keep your legs rooted whilst hovering over the loo. Your arms, if not holding up a skirt, should be in an outstretched to prevent facial injury if you are slammed into the wall when the train inevitably jerks to a halt.

Pee.

Pull up your knickers.

You will notice that the toilet hasn’t been flushed for at least 25 years (usually because of the faeces smeared over the flushing device) and so it is unwise to attempt this yourself.

Get the hell out of there. In my opinion it is LESS hygienic to wash your hands in these places that it is to not wash them. Germs lurk on every surface; the brown, yellow or green stains show where they are more prominent (try not to slip on any of them).

Exhale. Inhale. Exhale again, inhale again and continue until your face goes back to its normal colour.

Avoid making eye contact with anyone waiting outside, they will automatically assume that you alone are responsible for the horror that they are about to endure and hate you forever. If you don’t look at them, they are less likely to remember you. Return to your seat and try to erase the entire event from your memory.