Mornings are hard enough for the average human going to work, without the added trauma of a James Bond style mission being thrown into the ordeal.

The first thing you need to do is actually catch the bus which sounds a quite easy in theory, but is actually one of the more complex tasks a person can attempt. No matter what time you chose to leave home, you will either have a twenty-minute wait because the bus is late or, a sprint to the bus stop followed by a twenty-minute wait, because the bus left without you.

If you're even as much as a second behind schedule the bus driver will do everything within his power to ensure the bus is running on time (or better yet early). This way they can really relish the sight of you gasping for breath and struggling not to fall over as they drive off leaving you to pass out in a cloud of carbon monoxide.

Equally, should you find yourself arriving at the bus stop early, the driver will endeavour to ensure the bus is late. He'll do this either by getting out for a cigarette at the stop before, or accidentally turning onto the A14, leaving you to endure the surrounding scenery of beer cans, vomit and the occasional passed out person on a drinking binge.

Obviously, having spent such a long time playing this little game of cat and mouse every morning for the best part of a year now, my mind has had time to wander and when it does that, bad things happen, which brings me to my next section.

Fun ways to mess with bus drivers.

So far I have only managed to come up with three possible games to play, but I'm working on more so stay tuned.

- While waiting for your bus, stop the ones that you don't want as they try to pass and ask 'do you go to my house?' Under no circumstance should you actually tell them where your house is; simply elaborate slightly with statements like 'in my street' and 'the same street that my next door neighbour lives in' see how long you can keep them there before they throw you off.

- When paying for your ticket, ask if they take Visa. When they say no ask 'what about Sainsburys gift voucher?' Always have the cash ready in case the driver gets annoyed and threatens to kick you off.

- Tell the driver that he's looking tired and ask if he'd like you to drive for a while. Another thing I've come to notice is the way bus drivers always seem to wave at each other when they pass. I used to think they were merely being sociable with their colleagues. I have since come to suspect that something far more sinister is afoot. A complex system of hand signals are being used to disclose the number of victims they have claimed that day, depending on what game they are playing with us tiny mortals.

The games they play.

- Puddle splashing - drenching the bottoms of as many peoples legs as possible whilst making it look like an accident. Extra points can be earned for designer suits or new shoes.

- Bus Dashing- where they wait for some poor so0ul to get as far as the doors after a 400metre sprint before driving off. Extra points if the hapless person collapses and/or throws something. Double the bonus if the bus was early and by rights should still be there.

- Whiplash - A point is earned for every person seen leaving the bus clutching their neck and extra points are given if they're walking with a limp they didn't have before.

- Dominoes - The driver pulls away before anyone has a chance to find a seat. One point if they fall over, two points if they fall down the stairs, 3 points if they really hurt themselves.

- Bunny Hops - The driver speeds up and then stops suddenly (usually to avoid going into the back of someone). A point is earned for each person thrown from his or her seat. Double points if they land in the seat in front.

Now that you know about these games, you'll notice them next time you're on a bus, I guarantee it.

So, once on board, you have the unfortunate task of finding somewhere to sit. Again, this sounds ridiculously simple but doesn’t let yourself be fooled. It could easily be an extreme sport given the opportunity.

Before you even attempt to start looking it is vital to cling on to something sturdy with all your strength. Backs of chairs and handrails are fine; other passengers are not as one unfortunate person discovered, accidentally removing a gentleman's false arm in the process. The driver will attempt to live out his fantasy of becoming a Formula One racing driver by going from 0 - 70mph in under 5 seconds. Once you have adjusted to the movement of the bus you can begin looking for somewhere to sit. Choose wisely. The potential hazards could easily fill a book by themselves but I will attempt to give you a brief overview.

- Those unfamiliar with soap. The swarm of flies circling the immediate area around these people makes them easy to spot. Some of the flies themselves may look slightly ill.

- People on day release from the local prison.

- Criminals who want your belongings but don't know how to ask.

- Escaped mental patients.

- People who should be mental patients.

- Rowdy groups of teenagers in various subcategories.

- People using their personal stereo as a boom box.

Due to the universal law of attraction, unless you see somebody you know it's likely you will end up next to one of these people so look for the one that appeals to you most and sit down. Empty seats may seem like a good idea but they are extremely high risk as any one of the previously mentioned specimens could choose you as their bus buddy. You have been warned.

The last thing I'll mention is the upper floor of the bus. This is usually only inhabited by dope smoking teenagers who would be sitting downstairs, but think 'getting high' is something they need to do physically in order to smoke their marijuana. As society becomes more permissive, I am confident that the top deck of a bus will become a safe haven for crack dealers and pimps as well, but for the time being, it's just the dope. My advice is, sit downstairs.