Take this evening for example. In preparation for the little hooligans that would surely come knocking, I prepared little goody bags full of scary sweets (scary because of the number of E numbers listed on the packet). I put on a stylish yet spooky witch costume and a stab vest (just in case) and then waited for the first THUD on the door. I waited and I waited and I waited some more and then it came. THUD THUD THUD

Judging by the urgent pounding on the door I assumed that there must be at least 3 or 4 kids out there, probably aged around 8 and hyped up from way too many artificial colours and preservatives. And so I got up and made my way down the hallway to the door to greet the children and pretend to be scared by their cute little outfits. I opened the door, and waited for the familiar cry, “Bettaware”

You thought I was going to say “Trick or Treat” then didn’t you! Well, I must admit that’s what I was expecting too, but no it was the Bettaware lady. For those that don’t know, Bettaware is a catalogue shoved through your letterbox around 4 times a week (or at least that’s what it feels like) and then collected by the ‘Bettaware Reps’ of an evening. At first I assumed the figure in my doorway was a teenager with a warped sense of humour, who had decided to dress as a Bettaware rep. It was dark and there were a lot of shadows. “Holy SHIT” I screamed. “What a hideous costume, very realistic though. Well done!” When she started to cry, I realised my mistake. To try and soothe the situation, I offered her a goody bag but that just made matters worse, and in the end I had to buy something out her stupid catalogue. I’m now the proud new owner of a ‘wonder-mop’ and 12 high quality storage boxes that will arrive in seven to ten day’s time. A little later on during the evening, there was another knock on the door. I was half expecting some opportunist Jehovah’s Witnesses who had found the perfect night to get unsuspecting heathens to open their doors. I cautiously looked down at the tiny Satan and the slightly taller ‘scream serial killer’ stood on the doorstep. No watchtower magazines, no leaflets about the meaning of life, they looked harmless enough. I didn’t tell them that obviously as it would have hurt their feelings and provoked them into turning over the dustbins and hurling eggs at the side of the house. “Oh my!” I said, “You gave me a fright”

“TRICK OR TREAT” they screamed. I thought for a moment but couldn’t come up with any decent tricks to play on them and so I gave them some sweets and watched them walk down the path – just to make sure the didn’t try any funny stuff or vandalism. The night went on, slowly passing by. There was a couple more ‘Look East’ news stories. One about angry Christians who were afraid the children would be corrupted by the devil. The other about youth club who were afraid the children would be corrupted by the Christians, they were having a party where there were bobbing for apples and scary cake decorating, and then came the final knock on the door. THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD RATTLE THUD “Oh crap, it’s the apocalypse!” I thought to myself. I was wrong though, it was the up and coming criminal element. .

A group of monsters in masks, foaming at the mouth, demanding sweets. “Trick or treat” they said, in perfect unison. It was beautiful, clearly they’d rehearsed before they came out. What I actually interpreted their words to mean was, “Give us something decent or prepare to be flour bombed” So, I handed over some more goody bags and they seemed appeased. And then they were gone, obviously they had a huge quota of houses to terrorise before the end of the night.