I was walking down the high street, negotiating my way past the market researchers, and out of nowhere it came hurtling towards me. Not a car, but one of those mobility scooters. A lady of about 103, who, I assumed, must have heard about a half price Steradent sale in the chemist, was at the wheel. She looked incensed, like nothing else mattered but getting to where she was going.

People were jumping out of her way, others throwing their children to safety and sacrificing themselves before screaming in pain as the scooter rolled over their foot with an ear-shattering crunch.

The elderly lady continued on her way without even noticing. Now, I wouldn’t want to discriminate against anyone and believe me, I think these scooters are wonderful inventions when driven responsibly. They give back to the older generation an independence that would have otherwise been lost. They liberate them from prisons imposed by the ravages of time.

Muggers now think twice before attempting to steal bags or valuables from the senior citizens while they are piloting the scooters. There is an urban legend about an incident a few years back when an inexperienced criminal that had just graduated from the local criminal training college tried his luck. He tried to steal an old lady’s handbag but it back fired on him and he ended up being found later, babbling hysterically, with tyre tracks across his face.

The problem is the owners of these wheeled wonders can become power-crazed and all sense of responsibility goes out of the window. These scooters can fetch speeds of up to 30 miles an hour and in crowded shops this can only spell disaster.

One day, while I was working in a supermarket, a lady came in with her elderly mother. It was the mothers first day out on her new scooter and until that moment, she had only practised in open areas; she was unfamiliar with the steering, and the reverse gear and, more upsettingly, the accelerator and the brake. And so, at full speed she went slamming into the bakery counter, she sat for a moment and then attempted a three point turn. It was horrible, the digestive biscuit display was completely obliterated and the bakery counter suffered minor trauma. As for me, I got to find out what it feels like to be sandwiched between a rock and a hard place first hand.

As far as I know, there isn’t even a standard test that a person needs to pass before they are granted one of these death-wagons, they just need to be slightly infirm with a nerve of steel. This to me is all wrong, it wouldn’t take much really would it! A few traffic cones and we’d be good to go. Maybe a few cardboard cut-out people for realism. Surely it would be a small price to pay for the nations safety.

Another thing that worries me is the self-destructive nature of some of them. You hear rumours of illegal races set up in the bingo hall car park after hours. Games of chicken, where they drive their scooter toward the curb and the first person to stop loses. Someone inevitably gets hurt after his or her scooter topples over the 6-inch drop. I saw the old lady from the supermarket a few weeks after the event, and she had become familiar with the controls and now, was able to smash into things deliberately and actually quite enjoyed it. My proposal is this. That the government set up clubs across the country where they can go to get it all out of their system. ‘Rediscovered Youth Clubs’

There could be classes and activities for things such as,

Synchronised Scootering – Groups of pensioners come together to perform beautiful displays of formation dancing on wheels to the backdrop of classical music.

BMX Rally Scootering – Scooters are driven over ramps and slopes and get to do turns in the air.

Precision Scootering – Drivers manoeuvre their scooters through obstacles and over targets.

And finally

Advanced Scootering – This includes driving in wet weather conditions and poor visibility.