For the first time in my life I decided to buy some ridiculously pointy heeled shoes, as opposed to the big chunky numbers that I’m used to. What possessed me, I’ll never know. Actually that’s a lie, I do know. They looked so pretty and I wanted my feet to look just as pretty in them. On the shelf they were graceful and elegant, it was a natural progression to think that graceful and elegant would automatically befall me if I wore them, alas that didn’t happen.

Instead, I found myself in a continuous battle between good and evil, wait, I mean between myself and gravity. Oh the laughs!

My first outing in the shoes had lured me into a false sense of security as I only ventured as far as the local shop. The journey is straightforward, a series of footpaths with no paving slabs, only concrete. There are no steep hills and it takes about 3 minutes to walk there. Clearly I was deluding myself, demonstrated by my second trip out.

I wore the shoes to work, which takes slightly longer. My first objective was to reach the bus stop. It sounds simple when you say it but it was quite the challenge, let me tell you. Firstly, it’s like crazy paving for half the trip, which until recently posed no problem whatsoever, but now in my shoe’s was like an army assault course. I found myself taking three steps and then stopping to yank my foot free. Because of the added delay, as I came close to the bus stop the bus pulled up, forcing me to make a run for it. It is an experience that will haunt me for at least a week and a half. Did I mention that the soles of the shoes are made from the most slippery surface known to man? Well they are.

As I started to run I was suddenly struck with the realisation that I resembled one of the girls from Clueless or Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde. My arms involuntarily moved up into the ‘little flappy bird wing’ position and I began to totter as fast as I could (which was in truth probably about 2 mph if the pensioner that overtook me was anything to go by) in the direction of the bus.

Fortunately for me the driver saw me as he started to drive off, and by some astounding miracle, he stopped for me. (I can only guess that he liked my shoes or thought I was having some kind of seizure). So, I continued toward the bus and as I approached the door, freaked out for a second because it felt as if one leg was shorter than the other. Then I freaked out even more because I couldn’t move the short leg! It then dawned on me that the reason I couldn’t move it was because my heel had gone into a crack in the pavement, so I yanked it out and dived on to the bus, pretending that I meant to do it or something. I don’t think I convinced anyone.

The rest of the journey was relatively straightforward, except for the fact that I slipped between, and became wedged in, cracks in the pavement 5 times between the bus station and work. NOBODY WARNED ME ABOUT THIS!!!!

Always the optimist, I like to look on the bright side. The good news is, buying the shoes took care of the six accidents I had left over after my chain letter curse, and put a few in the bank for the next one I get.

So far, whilst wearing them, I have turned my ankle, turned it back the other way, got stuck in between paving slabs 14 TIMES, actually stepped OUT of the shoe because it was so firmly wedged. Finally (for now at least) been unable to stop after running, resulting in a skiddy, arms flailing near disaster, averted only due to a conveniently placed lamp post.

A benefit of the pointy heel (the only benefit for that matter) is it makes a handy weapon with excellent mugger bashing potential. This is vital because I can say with confidence, running away would be an exercise in futility (although a potential mugger would probably double over laughing at the bimbo/over-excited seagull impression involuntarily demonstrated as you tried).