So, I thought I would spend a little time explaining what I’ve observed.

As far as I can tell, there are two main categories of Gothics; the Professional Gothic and the Glory Gothic.

We’ll start with the Professionals. These fine specimens sit around emulating the undead. It can sometimes be quite difficult to tell them apart from an actual corpse. Much like a designated driver at a party, a random Gothic is selected at the start of each shift to go around the group at scheduled intervals. This Gothic is responsible for checking pulses and if one is located, they must administer a powerful sedative to slow it right down and thereby reduce that horrible healthy glow. Only moving to scowl at old ladies and small children or to reapply their black lipstick and eyeliner, these creatures of the underworld have been known to stay on the same bench for anything up to 8 hours at a time.

And so now we come to the second category of Gothics, Glory Goths. These enjoy the status and attention that ‘Gothism’ brings with it. They will watch hours and hours of Buffy The Vampire Slayer DVD’s and voice their empathy for the poor tortured vampires. They wear the clothes and accessorise accordingly but you only need to look at them to realise they’re only in it for the glory. ‘How?’ I hear you ask. They may walk the walk and talk the talk but that’s the trouble. They’re too animated and can often be seen laughing and joking with each other. Well, let me tell you, no Gothic would ever be caught dead (haha – pun intended) smiling in public, let alone laughing.

If you look in the Official Goth Handbook (not available in shops), it tells you there are only two legitimate and acceptable excuses for a Gothic to use when caught looking happy.

a) They’ve received some really bad news and therefore have something to be miserable about. Nothing makes a Gothic happier than a reason to be miserable.

b) They’ve received their issue of ‘Goth Monthly’, a newsletter written in blood and circulated (haha – pun intended) by the most senior Gothic, Count Dracula (a 47 year old bloke from Essex who never quite grew out of it and legally changed his name in 1999),

The Gothic Monthly is a fantastic publication (not available in shops). It contains;

- Gothic news.

- Up to the minute information about Gothics in your area.

- Schedules for upcoming satanic ritual sacrifices.

- Goth gear (the latest in undead fashion)

- Goth of the month, a much-coveted photo opportunity and a great way for a gothic to see what they look like, since in their mind, they don’t have reflections and therefore have no use for mirrors.

- Helpful Hints such as how to look bleak when life is good and how to scowl so puppies whimper.

- Ask Mortitia, resident agony aunt for Gothics who need to know how to deal with life’s blessings.

I’m going to close this article with a more serious note, a helpful bit of advice to all Gothics.

Dear Gothics,

If you’re depressed, maybe you need to stop and ask yourself why? Have you ever stopped and thought ‘Maybe these black clothes are bringing me down?’ Integrate some colour into your life, let go of all that stored up aggression. Stop sacrificing things to Satan, smile once in a while. Life will improve. If you get annoyed when people stare at you, might I suggest dressing like a human as opposed to the undead? Dye your black hair back to its original colour, lose the face powder, maybe get a job.

Finally, remember this one profound truth.

YOU ARE NOT A VAMPIRE

Sincerely, Me