Be it in a shop, a café or the street, there’s never a dull moment. Here a few of my tales of woe.

The Café

I was sent away from work on a course a few months ago for a couple of days. I’m not 100% sure if it was to benefit me in my job or to give my colleagues a bit of respite, either way I was happy to go. One thing that is certain to come from a trip away anywhere, especially if I am by myself (and by that I mean without a carer) is writing material.

As it was, the course was very enlightening and enjoyable, my adventures at lunchtime however did not disappoint.

Lunchtime you see, was a great source of hilarity. I went for lunch with one of the ladies from the course to attempt something that might resemble civilised dining. Sounds simple enough doesn’t it.

We picked a nice looking place that was filled with salads and sandwiches and other such goodies. Having picked a rather tasty looking Superfood Salad with Goats Cheese, I queued for a few minutes until finally I reached the till and paid for my food. I was about to ask the rather confused looking teenage boy behind the counter where the cutlery was kept but he beat me to it and stated

“We aven’t got any forks”

I paused for a second and gazed upon the lad with bewilderment, trying to work out if this was some sort of strange joke.

“Pardon?” I questioned him.

“We aven’t got any forks” he repeated. And suddenly his little face lit up as if he had just discovered a cure for cancer.

“But…” he continued his voice full of wonder. I held my breath in anticipation, awaiting his helpful suggestion.

“…I can offer you a spoon and a knife!”

My goodness! I was astounded. Struck dumb, in awe of the genius I had just encountered. A spoon AND a knife! It was brilliance. What I liked the most was the way he used the term ‘offer you’. He could ‘offer me’ a spoon and a knife’. It was as if we were involved in some kind of surreal bartering game. “I can offer you a spoon and a knife in exchange for your dignity and sanity”.

Me being me, I decided to take up the challenge.

It’s the simple things in life we take the most for granted; the smell of rain on a summer day, the laugh of a child, lost in play. Walking barefoot on soft grass and the deliciousness of a cup of fresh coffee when you need one most. All of these things are not even going to get a second thought when you find yourself in a public place wresting a salad with a spoon and a knife.

With a pained look of concentration I skilfully tried to gather some beans and peas from the bottom of my salad dish which was neither graceful nor successful. Long shards of beetroot and carrot started to spill over onto the table as I sat opposite this new person that by now thought I must have escaped from a dangerous persons unit of some sort of hospital.

Just when I thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse a kidney bean leapt from my dish as if it had a mind of its own. I watched in horror as the entire scene seemed to throw itself into slow motion and the bean flew across the table and bounced twice before landing just short of her diet coke.

Needless to say we didn’t keep in touch.

In a Shop.

Staying now with the subject of phone companies let me talk about my mobile phone provider. Touch wood, for quite some time they have been quite good but back at the start of our relationship they really did put my patience to the test and help me develop my sense of humour that little bit more .

The problem was picture messaging. My phone wouldn’t do it and I wanted it to. It took in total around nine separate visits to the shop to finally get it sorted out. On the first trip I was told to use the Internet to send a request message.

“Can’t you do that from here?” I enquired but was told no, it had to be done on the Internet. “Fair enough” I thought, “I’ll play your game”.

I sent the message and waited the required 24 hours and sure enough, nothing happened. So back I went to the shop.

“You’ll need to phone the helpline” said the trained monkey. “Fine” I said. “Can I do that from my mobile?” “Yes” said the monkey. “And how long will it take to sort out?” I asked. “About 10 minutes” he said, though I had the distinct feeling he was leaving something out.

So, I phoned the number and to my horror heard the most disturbing hold tune I could ever have had the misfortune to encounter – Twinklly versions of various boy bands greatest hits pan-piped up right nice.

So I held and I held and I held and then I held my breath in a half hearted attempt to take my own life because the music had got so bad.

And I waited and waited and soon realised that my lunch break was almost over and I was still no closer to being able to send picture messages.

Despondently I disconnected the call and went back to work. The next day I had new resolve.

I stormed back to the shop.

“Excuse me,” I said to the escaped lab-research monkey behind the till. “I was told yesterday by Monkey A that if I phoned the ‘help’ line I would be able to have my phone sorted out in ten minutes.” “Yes” grunted the monkey.

“Well,” I continued “I was on hold for 51 minutes yesterday.”

The boy, who obviously took his job too seriously seemed to think HE was a phone and put me on hold.

His eyes glazed over and in my mind I was hearing ‘Take That meets panpipes Moods’ and a list of options.

If you would like the fine specimen of Customer Service that stands before you to stare blankly into the middle distance, please press 1 now.

If you would like to see him scratch his head and say something that is neither factual nor helpful, please press 2 now.

If you would like him to actually resolve your query and fulfil the empty promises you’ve been hearing all week, well, let’s face it love you’re deluded. It’s probably never going to happen, is it?! You might as well just go out and buy yourself a carrier pigeon and forget the whole ordeal.

“Okay” I said to him. In that case may I please use your phone to get through? I don’t want to waste my time and money fixing a problem your company has caused me.”

“Yeah” He said, “But you probably won’t get through at this time of day.”

‘Ahhh, so now we get the truth eh?’ I thought to myself. ‘When it’s your own money being wasted and your shop being inconvenienced. Well up yours mate! I’ll see you on Saturday.’

He didn’t plan on my determination I went back that Saturday at 9am and stayed holding on the phone for 1 hour and 45 minutes until I eventually got through, spoke to a human and 48 hours later I was sending picture messages with the best of them!

Although for about a week afterwards I couldn’t stand to be in silence because I had the panpipes imprinted in my brain, it was worth it because I won that battle, though the war is far from over.

Finally, In the Street

I was walking innocently by on my way to find lunch one day when a man dressed smartly in a suit, clutching the mandatory clipboard leapt out with startling agility, a cheesy grin and a script to read from.

“Hi” he said, a little too enthusiastically for my liking, “Have you got a couple of minutes to talk about how we can save you money on your phone bill?” His eyes were bright with optimism.

I was outraged. “No!” I said in a relatively calm way “but while you’re here can you please tell me how I can stop you people from sending me junk mail every two days because I am really not interested and to be frank, I’m not sure the rainforest can take the abuse”.

He looked dazed and confused as his brain struggled to come up with an answer. Believe me, it was worth the wait.

“I don’t think you can stop it” he said “it’s just the way the post works”.

My brain almost shut itself down in protest to the stupidity it had just witnessed.

“NO NO!” I corrected him, struggling for breath. “NO!!! This is how the post works. You people write a letter, then you send it and THEN the postman brings it to my house. The postman doesn’t just sit at home forging letters from phone companies for a giggle, and the fairies don’t put the letters there by magic! Did you not watch Postman Pat as a child?”

My goodness the humanity I thought to myself. But the best was yet to come. As I was about to storm off in the direction of food he piped up.

“While you’re here though, could I just ask you who your phone supplier is?”