I’d been out and bought some ‘Skin Hair & Nails” vitamins to aid in the speed of toenail growth. This was not without it’s drawbacks however. My hair began to grow at an alarming rate and ironically, my toenails seemed to stay at very much the same length and could not be persuaded to grow at all. Disappointment can not even begin to describe my emotion as I abandoned my ‘freak’ plan and sat down to reconsider my options.

I then considered the idea of having my entire body and face tattooed up right nice. That would get me in for sure! It then occurred to me that I get more than mildly irritated if I accidentally draw on myself with pen. Tattoos would be out of the question. But what else was there? My somewhat erratic personality alone would not be sufficient to get me in.

I was ready to give up the dream. There was nothing in the circus for the likes of me so why even bother to hope I thought. That was until the other night when something truly amazing happened. Not just amazing, but spectacular! I went along to my weekly college class and on the way there I picked up a bottle of fresh orange juice and some pineapple, mango and melon in a handy little pack. This was a desperate bid to undo some of the damage I’d done to myself earlier in a burger binge. Now this might seem like an unnecessary detail in an already pointless and long-winded story but hear me out.

I arrived at college, sat in the canteen and then tucked into the admittedly excessive quantity of fruit that lay before me. First I ate a slice of melon, then pineapple, then mango. This was to decide which I liked the most and by process of elimination, which I liked the least so I could eat that first and get it out of the way. Mango was deemed the yuckiest because it was slimy and made me think of goldfish. Melon neither offended me nor filled me with great joy. Pineapple was the winner.

I sat and continued with the extreme fruiting and some of my college classmates arrived and everyone got to chatting. One of the ladies paused mid-sentence. She looked at my fruit then to my orange juice then back to the fruit. Her face conveyed concern as she pondered the situation.

“You really shouldn’t mix your fruit you know?!” She said. I was confused and slightly over-stimulated from all the nutrients and stared at her blankly.

“I shouldn’t mix them?” I at last questioned.

“Yes” she said. “It’s very bad for you”.

Surely she was thinking of alcohol or prescribed medication or something I thought to myself.

“FRUIT?!” I exclaimed.

“Yes” she said with a face so serious that I knew it must be true. “It all digests at different rates – very bad for the stomach.”

I tried my hardest not to laugh as I thought about all the dare-devil pensioners out there that took their life in their hands every Sunday at tea-time when dishing out the trifle. But then I was struck by genius! A true ‘Eureka moment’ the likes of which I have never experienced before and probably never will again. In but a second I had the solution to my little circus problem. Try if you will to picture this scene.

A circus, filled with masses of excited spectators. All eyes fixed on the sight before them, already slightly in awe from seeing the high flying trapeze act, waiting with bated breath for the main feature. Me!

My assistant rolls out a table, filled with a mysterious selection of things masked beneath a red satin cloth. Loud music plays and the crowd cheer as ‘The Amazing Claire” walks out, fearless and bold, dressed in an over-sequinned leotard to add to the drama.

The Amazing Claire walks over to the table and whips off the satin sheet revealing a wide selection of exotic and orchard fruit and a state of the art blender. The trumpets blare out a fanfare at the revelation and then follows a drum roll.

A hush falls over the crowd as The Amazing Claire picks up a Golden Delicious apple and scoffingly tosses it into the blender, it whizzes into action causing the crowd to gasp with fear and dread and morbid fascination. The Amazing Claire (and by the way, I am considering adopting this title in daily life) laughs in the face of danger and reaches for a plum, then a handful of strawberries and seven lychees. The audience can’t believe it, they shake their heads in disbelief and some of the smaller children start to cry. Some of the frailer and more elderly members of the audience hide behind their hands. The Amazing Claire reaches for a mango, a pineapple and four raspberries and tosses them in with a wink and a smile. The blender screams out as it whips up the lethal cocktail in a frenzied blur.

Barely anyone dares to look. A deathly hush falls as the blender comes to a standstill. Silence has swept the crowd. The Amazing Claire removes the jug containing the dangerously potent cocktail from the blender and pours the liquid into a glass.

A drum roll strikes up and the crowd gasp again, tension is building to an unbearable degree.

The drum roll stops and The Amazing Claire downs the drink in one without so much as batting an eyelid.

Ta-daaaa!!! The crowds are on their feet; roars and cheers, whistles and whoops fill the tent.

The Amazing Claire takes a bow and then gracefully exits the performance area and prepares to wait for the aftermath of such foolhardy fruit abuse!

On the other hand, that much fibre and fruit juice probably would play havoc with a person’s digestion.