Either I’m getting older or are teenagers getting more and more irritating and stupid? Well, obviously I am getting older, if I wasn't, well it would be amazing and baffle everyone. However, the fact that I am undoubtedly getting older makes the fact that teenager’s ARE getting more and more irritating and stupid no less true.

Of course, they don't do themselves any favours by going around with a smug anti-social grin on their faces, a half-smoked non-specific brand cigarette hanging out of their foul little mouths and smokers-cough at fourteen years of age. Bless their little hearts (which will be diseased by the time they're 35 you mark my words). But their attitude is merely a small contributing factor as to why I find teenagers so bloody annoying. It is their speech, their blatant disregard and contempt for the English language that vexes me the most.

It seems that a new and alarming speech impediment that scientists have labelled 'Nellism' is sweeping over the nation's youth, probably as a direct result of too many e-numbers in early childhood or something. Nellism, which gained its name after a deleted scene from the movie Nell was brought to light, clearly showing Nell being raised in the wild by teenagers, is a serious condition which causes sufferers tongues and/or brains to go limp when trying to use a consonant.

If we're not careful, the dictionary of the future will be very, very different to the dictionary of today. For a start, the letter T will be a thing of the past other than when used at the start of a word. TH will be replaced with F (why use two letters when one will do?).

What's most worrying is the fact that in 15 to 20 years time, these people will be running the country and then what will become of us? Not only this but they will have reproduced and, odds are, their children won't even know what English is. They'll have to communicate via a series of grunts and pointing gestures. I for one decided that I could not live with such a bleak future and so I have decided to learn the language of the teen, in the hope of re-educating these strange creatures therefore saving the English language from extinction.

My first idea was to go and have a look in a few good bookshops to see if I could find any decent books on understanding teenagers, however, every book I picked up was about understanding their feelings and rubbish like that! That's no use when I'm trying to work out what the freaking heck they're saying! Book after book on communicating with your teenager (not that I have one of my own, though I hear you can pick them up pretty cheaply down the market) and not a glossary in sight. AND for that matter, no mention on when it is acceptable to hit them around their heads (always wear gloves).

And so I have taken matters into my own hands and after much study and research (and listening in on their pointless conversations) I have written my own Teenage to English translation guide.

Behold in no particular order. (Or beyold in nah paricla orda.

Buh-a = Butter

Beh-a = Better

Wan-ed = Wanted

Proply = Properly

Anova = Another

Whaa? = What?

Whaa?! = What? I am angry at what you have just said.

Fuuuuh = Bother or Fuck

Whaa the fuuuh? = Goodness me! or What the fuck?

Arh = I

Dis = This

Din = Did not or Didn't

Fin = Think

Ow = How

Eee = He

Eeeed = He would or He'd

daaaa = That

Inrodoos = Introduce

Nuhin = Nothing

Lar = Like

Darn = Don't

Carn = Can't or Can not

Spee = Speak

Spee-a = Speak to. or Converse with.

An = And, used at the beginning of a sentence 'An anova fin'

N = And when used in the middle of a sentence.

Fanks = Thank you, you are most kind and gracious.

Eeahhhhhhehhuughhh (pronounced as if you were straining to move your bowels) = I am confused and afraid because my brain can not comprehend that which you are telling me and it hurts. Please point me in the direction of a tobacconist and leave me alone.

And so, this morning whist on the bus, enjoying the fine topic of conversation which was 'ow boys are so immature, arh carn believe eee said daaa' on one side of me and 'ow girls are lar such bitches' on the other. I took a deep breath, turned around said 'Darn spee-a eachova lar daaa, you need-a spee-a eachova beh-a' The seemed to be understanding me so I continued, 'When ya spee-a eachova ya needta use CONSONANTS!' To which they replied 'Eeahhhhhhehhuughhh '

Well, there's not a lot you can say to that really is there? Except maybe Whaa the fuuuh?