“Welcome to the Patronised while u wait help-line. If your call is about our store locations or opening hours, please press 1 now. If you are calling to make an order please press 2 now. If you have a query or complaint about any of our services please press 3 now…if you would like to order a copy of our Christmas catalogue please press 9 now …for information on upcoming Eastenders storylines, please press 233 now. If you have taken an overdose because you have lost the will to live, due to our rather long list of options, please dial 999 and ask for ‘ambulance’ now. To hear these options again, press the hash key now or hold whilst we transfer you to a trained chimp that has been let loose in our customer service department.”

“AT LAST!!!” You think to yourself, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. That is of course if the bloody thing doesn’t crash and start all over again. So, you hold and it starts to ring again. Excellent! Then what happens? Another robot kicks in.

“Thank you for calling the patronised while u wait help-line. All our operators are busy at the moment, your call is being held in a queue.

If, at this stage you have any form of hope that your call will be answered shortly then more fool you, because when they say they’re busy, they mean they’re drinking coffee and playing cards for money.

Cue the hold tune, which will either be selected hits from numerous boy bands or the ‘Pan pipe moods’ CD that John, the office manager picked up and Andy’s Records in the sale of 1998. By now, you’ve spend around £10 on the phone call, and even if you hang up you’re going to have to call back again later so you sit and you wait. Intermittently being told that “we are endeavouring to answer your call. Thank you for your patience” or “We value your custom so please continue to hold.”

By this time, if you’re not completely insane you’re at least half way there. Possibly talking to yourself or rambling hysterically you’ll find yourself answering the robot as if it can hear you. Begging it to please shut up. “Your call is very important to us” it will repeat. Eventually though, when the coffee breaks are over, or somebody looses all their gambling money, your call WILL be answered, but don't get too excited.

“Hello, Patronised While u wait help-line, Toby speaking how can I help you?”

At this point you explain your problem, in as few words as possible (carefully avoiding big ones) so as not to confuse matters and find yourself back on hold again. Unfortunately, poor old Toby has no idea what you’re talking about, how to help you or indeed what he’s doing there in the first place!

So, he takes your name and telephone number and promises somebody will call you back, which of course they never do, but you can be sure that when you phone back tomorrow they’ll endeavour to answer your call.